"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody Allen

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! - Rodney Dangerfield

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them." - Joan Rivers

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back." - Henry Youngman

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield