"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." - Fred Allen

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen

"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." - Franklin P. Jones

"The girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." - Albert Einstein

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language." - Mark Twain

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" - George Carlin